I am sitting in most likely the fuzziest, warmest comfort possible. This couch has what I call “taco seats”, where you sit down and instantly your backside becomes the filling of the taco shell surrounding it. Also, I’m wearing my new hoodie and sweat pants from BlueNotes – 50% off! Christmas is a bad time to be working at the mall. *sidenote* My pants are an orangey-pinky-peachy color and I don’t feel at all inconspicuous in them. Bonus.
Anyway, it’s a Friday night and I’m a little bit sad. I’m not entirely sure why. My tummy is full, and like I said, I’m perfectly warm and comfortable. Maybe it’s the fact that all I did today was work and cross-stitch some more…and I miss some very important people.
Oh! “500 Miles” by the Proclaimers just came on, and so did my happy factor, if only a tidge more.
I think it’s just that time of year. Winter is settling in and there’s change in the air. People are finishing up their studies and preparing to go home, running to and fro Christmas shopping. I don’t know where I fit in that world – I don’t think I’ve ever really known. In that feeling, there is incredible loneliness. Don’t get me wrong – my life has taken a fantastic turn lately – but now I don’t know what to do next. I had those goals in place for so long, and now they’re completed for the most part, I feel a little lost. And as I see all the activity unfolding around me, it sends the message that everyone else is not lost. They have places to be, people to see, things to do, so obviously they must be fulfilled.
At least, that’s what they’d like me to think.
Maybe I’m just tired but I miss so many things right now. My confidence in who I am gets so easily shaken, simply because there are things that I used to have that are gone, things I placed my identity in. Is that ever a healthy thing to do? I’ve never wanted to say that one thing/person was the centre of my world, but I can tell when they’re missing.
~ Laurie. Right now, she’s in the midst of planning a trip to come see me in May and it will be the first time we’ve seen each other in person in roughly 15 years. I’m unbelievably excited for that to happen; right now, it just seems like it’s going to take forever.
~ Kat. She’s the only other person I call my best friend besides Laurie. Right now she feels far away physically and emotionally. I’ve never stopped caring or praying for her; right now, I just wonder if I’ll ever see results.
~ Christina & Amie. Right now, they’re in Africa, just loving the heck out of those little children. Changing lives as well as their own. I know it’s something they needed to do, and I love hearing about what’s happening over there; right now, it feels like an eternity before I’ll able to say I’ve done something similar.
~ My mom. Right now, I actually don’t know what she’s doing. And that’s the worst because we used to know everything about each other. She was my world; that’s probably where I learned to avoid that tendency.
~ Dad. But how can you miss something you never had?
~ Jesus. We’ve been walking together for the last 12 years of my life, and right now, it’s like I’m not in love anymore. He’s just…there. I can clearly see all the amazing things he’s done in my life and those things still move me, but there’s something missing and I can’t quite figure out what it is yet.
I apologize for such a melancholy first post. It won’t be like this all the time, I promise. But these feelings, plus some other inspirations, are what caused me to start this thing anyway.
Even if there are no answers to these missing pieces in me, at least I know I’m not the only one out there.