You know the saying, “The insane ones never know that they’re insane, and if you think you’re insane, you’re probably not.” In my thinking, that’s a pretty ditty sheal. I mean, if you’re having to face the terror of slowly losing your mind, can’t you even get a courtesy signal saying, “Dude, you should probably do a u-turn riiiiiight now.” ?
And if you think you’re going insane, isn’t that because there’s pretty valid evidence pointing to that conclusion? Insanity is a pretty convenient scapegoat for some people. Just ask the court system.
I say this because I think, during the week that I was by myself in Prince
George, I was starting to lose my mind. The first few days were okay. I was sleep deprived until Thursday night. And Friday, I was on the bus, in the grocery store, in general civilization. But when I tried to lift my grocery basket up to the automatic grocery mover…thinger…I biffed it, requiring the neighbor to grab my basket for me and hold it while I emptied it out. And then I fumbled like a football rookie trying to get my wallet, my grocery bags, etc. It was pretty bad. I said to my neighbor, “I’m sorry, I’m not very well put together today,” and he, being a kindly old man, just gave me a pity smile and nod.
Saturday night, for some reason, I pulled a package of frozen hot dogs out to thaw on the counter. I think I wanted them for supper, even though I had just gone grocery shopping and had a perfectly good make-able supper in the fridge. But whatever, I guess I wanted hot dogs. (Right now, I just typed ” hot gods”, which only proves my point.) I went through my evening, went to bed, woke up in the morning, walked to the bathroom, did my business, walked back through the kitchen and something on the counter caught my eye. Yes indeed, they were the hot dogs, no longer frozen and no longer edible. I do not remember seeing them during the entire course of my evening.
Later that day, I decided to do some laundry. I gathered everything out of my suitcase from my Smithers visit and put it in the washer. I forgot it in there for an hour after it was done washing. I put it in the dryer (but really, there was almost no point) and forgot it in there for half an hour after it was done. I gathered it all, fresh and lukewarm and put it in the recliner to fold. And what’s in the recliner already? My work uniform, which I had adamantly wanted to be washed and dried as well. Adamantly, people! I was forgetting adamantly!
And then I almost cried with frustration when I folded my laundry and realized I had no clean underwear. I need those! Why are they in a pile near my bed, not able to be worn asap?
And then there was today, the day I went back to work after 3 days off. I had gotten lots of rest the 2 nights before, but for some reason, last night I tossed and turned for almost 2 hours before falling into a fitful sleep. I dragged myself out of bed to be at work by 10…and when I got there, I was told I wasn’t working till 12. Excuse me? What was that? NOON?! I clearly remember looking at the schedule last week and writing down my hours: Monday – 10am, Tuesday -12pm. Tuesday, not Monday!
But the schedule ratted me out and said I was a liar. Dirty schedule. So I kicked around at the mall for almost an hour when my boss texted me saying, “If you want to come in at 11, I’ll find something for you to do.” Better than wandering from store to store looking like a potential shoplifter. Oh, and don’t let me forget to add that while I was waiting, a muffin I was eating fell off my lap and hit the floor! And you can bet your $1.29 + tax that I picked it up and ate it! (After making sure no one was watching!)
As I got to work, I started talking to God in the back of mind. Okay. I am at work. Please let this little phase be over now. I do not need anything to happen to me at work. But God, having a sense of humor, decided it would be fun to have my left side doused with root beer before he answered my prayer. It’s all good, I still love him.
After that, I started seeing familiar faces…talking to them…discovering, wonder of wonders, that normal words were coming out. And then I received two checks adding up to $513 bucks, got them deposited (dang, that feels good), went grocery shopping with Alissa, and had an evening full of stirfry and laughter with Joanna. If I can sleep well tonight and get to work on time tomorrow, I will consider this blitz over.
Either I’m not insane at all…or I’m very good at hiding it.
What Would Jack Nicholson Say?
Besides “Heeeeeeeeeere’s Johnny!”, obviously.