an ever-winding road

uff da! the past 9 days have been crazy, and i’ve seriously been wanting to blog about it, but the thing about crazy? it gives you no time to do so.

if you’re expecting this to be an orderly, logical blogging update, think again. and make a cup of tea, or apple cider – whatever you’re into. these are going to be vignettes of the past week and a half. what the heck are vignettes? (pronounced vin-yet) because wikipedia knows all. and apparently so does anne of green gables.

vignette #1 – the day after the speech.

it was a wednesday at new york fries. typically slow and somewhat mundane. the lunch rush had ended and there weren’t even any forks to sort into bundles. it’s just my boss & i.
suddenly, he says, “hang on, i’ll be right back,” and disappears. okay. i’m cool with that.
sure enough, minutes later, he comes back and puts a folded over piece of paper on the counter and quietly says, “sign it.”
“sign the paper on the line there.”
“no way. my mama taught me to never sign something that i didn’t know about. you tell me first.”
“do you trust me?”
“yes. not really.”
“just sign it. i promise, it’s nothing bad.”
i gave in. and when he unfolded the piece of paper, i nearly swallowed my tongue in shock.

a 649 lotto ticket. for $35 million dollars. to be drawn tomorrow.

“i don’t understand.”

his eyes became like intense little pebbles and his voice got even quieter. “this is what you’re going to do. you’re going to come to work a little early tomorrow, go to the lotto booth over there and stick this ticket under the scanner. if it’s a winner, DO NOT REACT. simply call me up and say, “blah blah blah blah blah” and i will instantly pack an overnight bag for you, myself, my wife and my baby. we will skip work and go to kamloops and pick up our split winnings. i don’t care if it takes us 3 days to get there, i’m going to go as slow as possible to avoid a wreck. after that, then we can tell everyone. did you get all that?”

i gulped. yes. the code word is “blah blah blah blah blah.” (well, i can’t be spilling it out, now can i? even though it IS pretty awesome.) come to work early. lotto booth. scan it. wait on pins and needles for a life-changing possibility.

i tried not to think about that little piece of paper, that valuable secret, tucked into my pocket for the rest of the day. i didn’t even pray to win it that much. the words of my heart were something like,
God. i didn’t ask for this lottery ticket. it was a gift. i’m honestly blessed and thankful for my life as it is. but $17 1/2 million dollars would probably buy my canadian citizenship in an instant. and then i would give lots away. LOTS. and, and, and then i could travel to all these places i’ve been dying to see. and just never have to cook another fry again if i don’t want to. these are noble motives, right, Lord? but, if you decide that i’m not up to the task of being a millionaire, that’s okay. i’ll still love you.

i proceeded to say this a couple more times but made myself stop, in an effort to not come across as needy or demanding. and then i realized, do i really need to explain myself to the one who already knows my every thought anyway?

vignette #2 – the breakdown.

to make a very long story short(er), there have been many rapid changes happening in my life. i tell ya, it’s been like feast or famine, and last thursday i realized that i was sick of feasting, as grateful as i was for it. i’ll take the trouble to give a bit of a timeline:

| middle of november to now, middle of february: broke up with boyfriend. got a work permit. got a job. got a sin card. got a care card. started corresponding with a friend i care for very much.  worked like a dog. went home for christmas “break”. special corresponding stopped with no warning or apparent reason. worked harder. took my L test and passed. got a driver’s license. got a car. found a driving supervisor and a recording studio man, all in the same person. started driving. started recording. worked. went home for my grandmother’s memorial. started making pie and other treats to share with people. started meeting more people. joined 3 worship teams. worked. joined a water aerobics class. drove at night, with rain, with other people present. worked. continued recording. continued baking. continued playing music every sunday and wednesday for an accumulative 8 hours. worked. liked how successful i was becoming at such a schedule, but still questioned the halted correspondence. looked great on the outside, felt like crap on the inside. started to look AND act like crap on the outside too. i’d say that just about covers it. |

is it any wonder i started to burn out? is it a mystery why i collapsed on myself like a house of cards, why i fell into the category of “mediocre at everything” and began hating myself for it? i literally watched myself crash and burn and it wasn’t pretty. was i going to tell anyone else about it? absolutely not! unless, of course, you happen to be a sweetheart girl of a new friend who asks the right question at the right moment and then proceeds to let me cry and cry about what a failure i am. in doing so, i realized the core of my problem: i believe that, compared to everyone else i know, i am not as worthy or deserving of a blessed and loved existence. i will do everything in my power to make people happy, but if someone tries to do the same for me–are you NEW? this is not allowed. but you, you go right ahead, sir/ma’am, and continue to take everything from me that i can possibly give, and if i run out, i’ll find more. anything to keep that smile truckin’. but if i fail to excel, it’s curtains for me. (lacy, gently wafting curtains, to be exact.) and what real man in his right mind would want to get involved with someone as messed up as i am? *read: my biggest fear is that i’m going to be my mother.

oh, how self-destructive this is. i had managed to take that verse that says “treat others better than you do yourself”, and twist it into a people-pleasing mantra that pleased no one.

vignette #3 – taking it easy.

you may have heard that, lately, it’s cold in canada. i’ve been trying to formulate a joke about it. something like, “what did miami beach say to prince george? oh SNAP!” but so far, it’s not working out too well.

however, this week has gone a lot better. i’ve had some time off from things that “need” to be done to just sit and be. i’ve ignored my dishes. i’ve done my laundry but haven’t put it away. i’ve gotten better at driving, but i don’t become gutted if i make a mistake. i’ve had a booster juice. i’ve attempted to make my own booster juice and it was pretty delicious. i’ve had meaningful conversation with friends who care. i’ve had mercy on myself. i’ve cut my middle finger at work and been forced to wear a latex covering on it for 2 days in a row, whilst retaining my dignity even as i’m unable to look at it without something dirty coming to mind. i’ve gone to a water aerobics class at 6:30am and thoroughly enjoyed it. i might even do it again.i’ve read my bible and started a new book. i’ve braved the elements and come out triumphant albeit slightly rosy red. i will probably make at least 2 mistakes tomorrow, if not more. but it’s not the end. and knowing that makes me want to laugh until i cry from utter exhaustion. =)