So. It’s a little late, and I’m more than a little tired, but I’m gonna push through because I’m a glutton for punishment and writing thoughts when no one is awake to read them is super fun!
In the past couple of weeks, some anniversaries have gone by. The first one was the death of my friend Jessica, who passed away when I was 7 and she was 10. Far too early for my tastes. I won’t ever forget that day because I was the only one with her when it happened, and it took many years before I was “over” the trauma of witnessing this tragedy and the feelings of utter helplessness and guilt that accompanied it.
My mom’s birthday went by, almost unnoticed, to my chagrin and her almost-relief. In my mind, I made up for almost forgetting by sending her an email full of pictures that involve dogs and cats and birthday cake because she seems to find those entertaining, and let’s be honest, I kind of do too.
Then, the day came when it had been one year since I uprooted myself and moved 4 1/2 hours away to a place where I had no idea if I was going to crash and burn or fly. And now that I’m here, looking back, I’m a little bit lost as to if I did one or both of those things.
And finally, today is the one-year mark of the first time I visited the university and met SO MANY PEOPLE MY HEAD SPUN. It makes me smile as I contemplate the fact that my current friends, who I couldn’t imagine life without, were complete strangers a year ago. How is this possible? What was my life before they came? Clearly nothing because they are so awesome. The ability that our hearts have to zero in on total kindred spirits will never cease to amaze me.
So. One year. Has it been good? Absolutely amazing. Would I change any of it? Actually, no. Have I changed? Yes and no.
Then, I had a boyfriend – now I am single.
Then, I had no citizenship – now I almost have more ID than I know what to do with.
Then, I was jobless – now…I am jobless.
Then, I couldn’t go anywhere – now I’m preparing to leave in 4 days on a trip that literally just fell out of the sky onto my lap less than 2 weeks ago and it seems like I haven’t had time to breathe since then.
So, yes, I am a little lost. They say when you get lost, you need to stop moving, stay put and someone will find you. Either that, or just pull out your deck of cards for Solitaire and someone will inevitably come along to advise you on your next move, hence, you are found. And right now, part of me really wants to stay put, part of me wants to start playing a game of Solitaire, and yet another part of me wants to go tromping through the woods on my own just to see where I end up. Is that foolish? I feel like sitting still really just gets me nowhere, and playing Solitaire could be beneficial but would I be content? After all, someone else provided the answer for me. No, no, I’m really thinking about option 3 – it scares the hell out of me because there’s SO many mistakes I could potentially make and what if there are bears and what if I’m never found and what if what if what if. I would quote Paul Brandt’s song “Risk”, but that’s just silly because I’d have to quote the entire thing as it is just that awesome, and you should just go youtube it anyways. (I just said “just” a lot, hehe.) If you’re not in the mood for crying, don’t watch the music video.
Anyways. Sit, Solitaire, or Tromp. I choose Tromp. And for now, tromping is going to take me to Denver for a week. I think I’ve been there maybe once, when I was four years old. I distinctly remember learning how to tie my shoes there in a completely random store. How proud I was! This obstacle that had been the bane of my existence for weeks was overcome, and look at me now – I’ve been tying my shoes with ease for years. I don’t even really think about it anymore.
Maybe, and hopefully, history will repeat itself.