The Barista’s Guide To Staying Single (Without Really Trying)

Hello. I am a barista and have been for almost six months now. I enjoy big spectacles, blogging and – if that didn’t make me “hipster” enough – I have started using occasional hashtags in my statuses to #expressMyself  without even giving Twitter the courtesy of an account. But no big deal; I’m uncomfortable with the title “Badass Mo-Fo Young Adult of the 21st Century” so please refrain.

I am all about embracing 2012, friends. This could be a special year – either the world will end and we’ll only be given one week to see the first half of The Hobbit come to life on film before we all perish (talk about dying half-happy), or it will simply give us another chance to be thankful for everything the world has given us a.k.a. what the Internet hasn’t taken from us yet.

This year, I have become aware of not only hashtagging, but of trolling and memes as well. My particular favourites involve Willy Wonka and Socially Awkward Penguin. I could probably look at these for hours. But no matter what they are, there seems to be a running theme of Let’s Make Fun of Everything. Because, well, it’s fun. And if it’s all done in fun, no one can get offended, right?

Right?

Well, anyway, whether or not that’s true, today I am here to make fun of barista’s and their (seemingly) never-ending quest for romance at the bottom of a coffee cup. Okay, maybe just mine.

*These following pieces of advice may or may not be based on factual experiences…perhaps myself…perhaps not.*

Let’s face it, there’s something mysterious about the service industry. I don’t know about you, but every time I get out of my car and prepare to enter the work place, I feel a tiny thrill of excitement that whispers: ” Who will I meet today? What will I learn about the general humanity of Prince George? Will I finally master the art of whipped cream?” I love the idea that, eight hours from that moment, I might have a new acquaintance (I just looked at this word for a long time, debating if it was spelled right.) who is totally awesome.
But in the real world, the general humanity of Prince George isn’t really that exciting. So I go about making coffee, spilling things, losing my nose in a book and fighting the desire to eat all the nanaimo bars. Things get quiet…almost boring but not quite. There’s always something to do.

And then every once in a while, a member of one particular gender (spoiler alert: it’s male) will come along, who is, by all appearances, the best thing you’ve seen all day. And then what follows is considered totally normal by you, because you know you and you’re not crazy. But you forget that this slice of beefcake across the counter does not know you and you’re actually digging yourself a hole by the name of “desperate-chick-won’t-shut-up-must-remember-to-bring-own-coffee-next-time.”

Here are some things you can do to ensure that you are on your way to a life of bliss completely by yourself.

When he approaches the counter to order his drink (and you know it’s a drink you can trust too; no skinny London Fogs for this perfection!), run and hide in the back room, forcing your co-worker to serve him, for he is SURELY TOO HOT TO BE SERVED BY YOU. If you are by yourself and you must serve him, avoid eye contact at all times. You can do this.
When he asks you how your day is going, proceed to tell him your life story. Leave out no details involving education, parents and religion. After all, if he’s going to involve himself with you, he needs to know just what kind of person you are, amirite? This is not just a cup of coffee – this is fricken destiny.
If he tells you something about himself, like that he is double-majoring as a student in English and Political Science, say, “So you read a lot of books, eh?” and “So you could, like, run for Prime Minister or something someday?” (HAHAHA I AM SO CLEVER.) This will reveal to him just how little you know about the real world, despite the fact that you are actually totally smart. It’s not your fault that his good looks cause your brain to leak out of every orifice except your mouth.

Today is a different day; he asks you for tea instead. Still trustworthy. On top of that, he appears to be environmentally friendly as he has brought his own mug. KEEPER. All he needs from you is hot water; what you can do to brighten his day is fill that mug so full of hot water that when he screws the lid on, it starts gushing out all over his hand. Those tears in his Elijah Wood-eyes are merely a sign of how thankful he is to have you around.
As he leaves, say you realize that there is something uber important you forgot to tell him. You need to leave your station, RUN with those legs your mama gave ya, until you find him in the parking lot. Even if he is already in his car and driving away, don’t let this deter you. Flag him down and when he stops, open his door even though he’s already rolled down his window, and then stand there heaving for a moment while you catch your breath. Tell him what was so important, but you might discover it was of no consequence to him and you needn’t have bothered. Oh well. You got some exercise and showed him how dedicated you are to him. Everybody wins!

In the following days, if he doesn’t really stop by but just waves as he walks past, don’t take this to heart. He’s a hardworking fella and has a lot going on. Your next chance to impress him will come again soon.

One final thing before I go.
If he puts a tip in your tip jar, start planning your wedding, girlfriend, because you are actually headed for the altar so soon.

Here’s to tomorrow!