Unless you are blind, you are probably aware that sex is everywhere. And just when you thought you were safe, it’s on your TV trying to sell you a glass of milk.
Now don’t read this wrong, but why it shouldn’t it be everywhere? It is such an onion, this “sex” – the word alone has multiple meanings to different people, and the very act itself has layers upon layers of who/what/when/where/how/why. It has the potential to please you and destroy you. The power to control you and give you freedom. Shame and intimacy.
Guilt and joy and pain and love.
Sex is not only physical, it is emotional, spiritual and psychological.
This one thing has the world obsessed because either everyone is trying to figure it out, or they have done that already and they are enjoying the heck out of it.
Yet, despite all of this, I find that almost no one in my circles wants to talk about it. By “my circles”, I mean the church that follows Jesus. Sex and talking about it is awkward, dirty and the earner of many raised eyebrows and deer-in-the-headlights looks.
Why? Is it because that’s what the world is talking about, and we can’t possibly talk about sex if we’re going to be different from the world?
Have we forgotten that the God we follow is also the same one who created sex and sexuality to begin with? That an entire book of his Word is devoted to this intimacy and is considered one of the most erotic forms of literature ever written? Sex is a thing and God is talking about it!
Hi, I’m a Christian, and I want to talk about sex. And not just in the “save it for marriage, and God will make it wonderful” way. Boom.
** Please keep in mind that I myself have only been sexually active for roughly 2 months now, and I don’t know much. This list is what I’m glad I was told before I got married, or what I WISH I had been told, OR tips that we successfully learned on our own and I’m hoping it will help someone else. These are merely my experiences, my lessons learned so far. I have the feeling that I’ve only begun to scratch the surface. You may not agree with me. It may not be the exact same for you. And that’s okay. 🙂 **
**ALSO. I realize that not everyone happening to read this will be a Christian or a virgin or of a specific orientation. I don’t care. Sex should be talked about on some level with people of all experiences and histories.**
If you’re not ready for this, don’t continue reading. It’s not going to be super graphic, but I thought I’d give a fair warning!
1. Don’t have sex on your wedding night. (For both genders.)
Yes, you read correctly. If you are someone who has saved your virginity for marriage, I applaud you. It’s really hard to do, and you are most likely looking forward to your wedding night as THE NIGHT EVERYTHING CHANGES.
Can I recommend sleeping instead?
No matter how awesomely fun your wedding day is (which mine was to the 9’s), you are going to be exhausted by the time you actually make it to your honeymoon suite. And even if you DO get a sudden burst of hormonal energy, it’ll probably be gone by the time one or both of you complete the arduous task of undoing your contraption of a wedding dress. (Lace-up, you are so beautifully evil.)
This will be you, guaranteed.
I tried so hard to give Steve the night he deserved, and it only ended in pain and panic and tears.
Luckily, he was a patient guy. “I’ve been waiting 33 years for this time with you, I think I can wait another day.”
Sleep. Curled right into the arms of your beloved spouse. No pressure, just re-energizing. Think of losing your virginity like the Big Game or the Big Exam – if you don’t prepare and eat well and sleep well beforehand, performance is going to be affected. 😉
2. It will hurt. (For female.)
Unless you were born with an abnormally large V-hole, having sex for the first time is most likely going to be a little bit painful. I spent most of my teenaged years in extreme fear because I couldn’t even use a tampon or have a doctor do a physical exam on me without wanting to Hulk out and punch a girl-sized hole into the wall.
I can recommend a few sure-fire ways to make this experience a little less uncomfortable.
** Girls, you may need to pack a pad or two with you, and don’t wear white pants the day after! 🙂 **
3. Let her call the shots. (For both genders. But mostly male.)
Men, be gentle. Now is not the time for showing her that you’re strong enough to push her up against the wall.
Now is the time to take a warm shower with her, so that all her muscles relax. (Ladies, I don’t know about you, but hot water is SUCH a turn-on for me! However, sex IN the actual shower is difficult unless you’re wearing an oxygen tank. Perhaps avoid.) Giving a massage is also lovely. And finally, don’t try any crazy positions right away. She may want you to talk it through with her, and it’s a good idea to let her decide just what goes where and when. It’s not a matter of her controlling you, but you respecting her. It’s fairly easy for you boys to be the electrical plug; it’s another thing entirely to be the wall outlet.
3. DON’T DO IT DURING YOUR PERIOD. (For female, obvie.)
This should be self-explanatory!
Even if you think it’s done, wait an extra day.
I learned this the hard way and it is TOO SOON to talk about it, so just leave it at that!
4. It’s never like the movies. (For both genders.)
It’s just not. Those actors have had their every move choreographed for them, and with a little help from the soundtrack, they create the perfect encounter that’s actually a fantasy. Oh, and you’re never going to look as good as they do, before or after. Sorry. Real sex is messy, unscripted, and – while you may choose specific background music to play – by the time everything is said and done, you’re going to need a shower. Straight up.
So toss out those expectations and just be you. If you really love each other (which I highly recommend), you won’t care that he’s slightly sweaty and he won’t care that your hair looks like something you don’t want to find in your attic.
“Please, no! I am unworthy of your sweet gaze!”
4. Memories can suck. (For both genders.)
Now I come to something more serious. It is a very obvious fact that sex has been misused and abused the world over. Pornography, child pornography, rape, harassment, molestation, slavery, and prostitution are words that I hate to acknowledge but they exist and to leave them out would be ignorant and wrong. If you’ve been a victim of any one of these horrible sex acts, I am truly sorry and I pray you find healing.
I myself was molested multiple times between the ages of 8 and 12. I still remember faces, rooms, smells, feelings. I’ve had counseling and heart-to-heart chats and prayers said over my heart. For awhile, I thought I was over it. And then I started dating Steven.
He was the first person I could say I was genuinely attracted to – not threatened by him nor did he lack any masculine qualities. He was truly a man and I truly wanted him.
A month into our relationship, I told him about my past and later that same night, he told me he was falling in love with me.
I still get a pit in my stomach when I think about what I did next, but it’s an important part of the journey.
Less than two months after we got together, I knew I had completely fallen for him and there was no going back.
This terrified me. What if he wanted to marry me someday, and I disappointed him with my previously touched body and wounded heart? What if he felt trapped for the rest of his life to a girl who wasn’t sure if she could be totally intimate in the way he wanted? What if he left me?
Better that he discovered his disappointment now rather than later, I told myself. Then he can leave before it’s too late and I still have a fighting chance of getting over him.
So one night, leaving nothing to his imagination with my clothing choices, I offered myself to him. It wasn’t smart or holy or even loving – I just wanted him to have his way with me, realize he could do better and then be on his way.
What happened instead totally surprised me and still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it.
He said, “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, and I can’t wait to make you my wife one day. I love you so much.”
Then he took a blanket, covered my nakedness, wrapped me in his arms and began praying for me. Thanking God for bringing this vulnerable, stunning and amazing woman into his life who he didn’t deserve.
If there were ever a moment that I have experienced Jesus’ love in a tangible way, that was it. Have you ever encountered such love? When its healing power is directed unbearably at you, despite everything awful you have done, there’s no way you’re gonna keep yourself together. In a puddle of tears, I told him why I’d done this to him.
Somehow, it only made him love me more. I still don’t understand it. (Oh, and the waiting that we did? Totally worth it. Yikes, I love my husband.)
To be honest, I hated telling that story. I don’t like it that the (most likely) pure image you had of me is now shattered.
But that’s the point. I’m not perfect and you should know that. I’ve been abused and made poor decisions as a result of it, and you deserve to know the truth.
But I’m also a testament to the fact that even if you come from a background of sexual abuse (or multiple sex partners in the heartbreaking search for love), that doesn’t have to be the end for you. You are not damaged goods and you ARE worthy of being loved. You are seen and you can be healed just like I was.
Let me clarify that it most likely won’t come from a person because they’re just as imperfect as you are. But every once in awhile, the beacon of hope and love and forgiveness that God intended us to be makes a shining appearance and miracles happen. Don’t give up. He is the source of all those things and He is everything you need.
5. It’s not the Be-all, End-all. (For both genders.)
I can’t count how many romantic comedies I have watched that contain the line, “We’ll just have to base it on the sex.”
Ugh! Are you serious? World, are you telling me that a relationship might be great BUT if the two of you don’t have headboard-breaking sex every single time, then you should think twice? That’s the story you’re going with? You sadden me.
Don’t fall for this. Sex is a wonderful God-given tool to create intimacy and love, but it should not be the make-or-break of your relationship. Passion and sexiness and ability/energy of body will fade over time – what happens then?
YOU CHOOSE YOUR BEST FRIEND. THAT’S WHAT.
Whether you want a formal wedding ceremony or not, I’m pretty sure none of you wants to die alone, or not alone but miserable.
Who you choose as a life partner is the one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make – I recommend someone who’s willing to feed and clothe you when you’re too feeble to move anymore…someone who will hold your hand even when they’re angry with you…someone who will help you recall all of the memories that are slowly dying in your mind…someone who will steer with you through all of the storms and love your babies…rather than someone who gave you the best time ever in the sack.
Am I wrong?
6. Take a deep breathe and realize… (FOR BOTH GENDERS!!!!!)
…that is probably going to happen to you. More than once.
You laugh now, but later…you’ll see this picture again and know it’s so true.
I hope that you are able to love and be loved in return today.
Thanks for reading. =)