Why I Don’t Hate the Oscars

Coming at you LIVE from the brown carpet…

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Also from the brown couch…and brown coffee table…and brown pretzel sticks…

I’m Carly Hutton…

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I’m wearing a unique blend of thrift store/lost & found bin. Don’t be jealous.

…and we take this whole Oscars thing very seriously.

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It’s pretty much our Superbowl.

I know that some people out there HATE awards shows with the fiery passion of a thousand burning suns, and they are entitled to that. And yes, there are more important things going on in World News. There is still corruption, poverty, people dying in the streets, and it sucks. Yet even the strongest Oscar-hater has to admit that EVERY single Best Picture nominee was a film that had something important to say about humanity, history, and where we’re going. And we need that.

Mostly, that’s what I love. It’s not necessarily the dresses, the celebrities, the drama – it’s the stories. They’re all being told, and I’m making my own at the same time. And if you think I haven’t fantasized about turning my life into a book, which then becomes a mini-series or at the very least a movie, which then garners me all kinds of appreciation, which then leads to me hanging out with Jennifer Lawrence, well then, you’d…probably…probably totally be right.

I mean, it *would* be incredibly therapeutic.

The truth is: yes, it’s probably a lot of misused money + some narcissistic, privileged celebrities + a political popularity contest — but I don’t know what’s true and what’s not, therefore I can’t focus on it. I mean, last week, I tried to watch AND understand the first 2 episodes of House of Cards and my brain nearly exploded. I present to you:

CARLY’S LEFT SIDE BRAIN.

Maybe that’s something I should be ashamed of, or work on. My right-side brain feels lonely sometimes. But that doesn’t mean Baby can’t appreciate the beauty of the Arts, darling.

So, while not everything was 100% perfect, I also know that some really good things happened at the Oscars last night, and I’d like to talk about them. I will be including my live-tweets-on-Facebook, cause I’m a rule-breaker.

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I have asked, and so far, the Internet has NOT answered. WHERE IS MY JONAH HILL/LEONARDO DICAPRIO MEME?!?!?!?!?

Ellen. Makes. People. Happy. And ain’t NOTHIN’ wrong with that.

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I wonder how long I will hold out before I get the app that lets me put my own face in this picture too.

Otherwise known as the selfie that broke the Internet.

Pizza. She ordered real pizza.

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“Did I miss anything?” — after the beautiful, tear-jerking tribute to The Wizard of Oz. BT-dubs, how are people JUST now figuring out that P!nk is an incredible singer and performer?! *cannot compute*

Favourite conversation: “My entire newsfeed is your play-by-play on the Oscars. Are you alone? Is Steve refusing to engage you in conversation?…I was picturing you all alone with a Steve pillow, talking away, and then being like, Oh hell, you’re terrible company! I’m talking to the Internet!”

Empowered Women:

“To the people still foolishly clinging to the idea that female-centered films are a niche experience – they are NOT, audiences want to see them and in fact, they do make money. The WORLD is ROUND, people!” — Cate Blanchett, Best Actress nominee and winner for Blue Jasmine.

“No matter where you are from…your dreams are valid.” — Lupita Nyong’o, Best Supporting Actress nominee and winner for 12 Years a Slave.

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“I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free! His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.” — Darlene Love sings her feelings about winning Best Documentary Feature, 20 Feet From Stardom.

Humble Men:

From praising his hard-working single mom to saluting AIDS survivors and victims, to praying for the Ukraine & Venezuela, huzzah. (Jared Leto, Best Supporting Actor nominee and winner for Dallas Buyers Club.)

ImageFavourite conversation: “It’s too bad he’s so ugly, hey? NOT.”
“And 42 years old? I call witchcraft.”
“He’s 42?????? Whhhhhaaaattttt?????”

From picturing his dad dancing in his underwear in Heaven, to singling God and his family out for every good thing in his life, to totally redeeming himself from “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” and “Fool’s Gold.” *all the tears* (Matthew McConaughey, Best Actor nominee and winner for Dallas Buyers Club.)

ImageAnd while it would have been great for Leo to finally win an Oscar, I really think that if he had (combined with the Ellen selfie), it would have sent our beloved Internet back to the stone age with all.the.breakage. #LeoFTW2015.

Food Can Change Everything.

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Bono is stunning live, and this song features the most profound chorus I’ve heard in a long time. And it’s about Nelson Mandela. So there’s that.

Favourite conversation: “I got stuck reading this at microwave cheeseburgers???”
“One day, when we have kids, we’ll take real food more seriously.”

Just When You Think Everything Is Going Great, Tragedy May Strike.

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YUSSSSSSS.

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NOOOOOOOOOOO.

**Sidenote: I heard that John Travolta is very dyslexic, so if that’s true, I have (low) hopes that social media will lay off soon.

…am I in Heaven?…

Despite being misnomered, and her band majorly messing with the timing of EVERYTHING, my angel prevailed and got this song an OSCAR!


When Life Gets Ya Down, You Can Never Go Wrong With a Harry Potter Reference.

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“I will go down with this ship….”

Mexicans Are The Shiiiiiiiiit.

ImageImageAnd now it’s over again. My belly is full of SO MANY BAD THINGS, I have a Very Important List of Movies To Watch, and my Internet Welcome has been Overstayed.

Keep telling your stories,

Carly xo

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10 thoughts on “Why I Don’t Hate the Oscars

  1. Carly, this was pretty much amazing. I caught the first 45 minutes or so because I was out at a bar (where I openly cried after Jared Leto’s acceptance speech) but I’m so bummed to have missed Ellen as Glinda, what!

    • THANK YOU!! And thanks for quoting me in your February therapy session! I have all the special feels! =D

      Dude, you need to find whatever clips they allow on YouTube. So many amazing tear-inducing speeches and Ellen being Ellen.

      Oh, and microwave cheeseburgers are a REAL thing, just in case you wondered.

      • They’re like sliders! Mini size, four of them, frozen together in pairs and all sealed around like a roll with cheesy meaty goodness inside. If you scroll to the top of the blog, you’ll see my husband snarfing one down like an animal. They don’t look that impressive, but you can’t judge a cheeseburger by it’s cover. And now I’m gonna have to try microwave pancakes!

      • Walmart is so frightening to me, I don’t think I could ever discover new things there. I’m always just scuttling through, trying not to run into people whilst honing in on my target which is usually something like “donut shoppe coconut macademia K-cups.”

      • Now that is something I’ve never heard of! But they sound ah-mah-zing.

        Now let me be the Frankie Avalon to your Frenchie and say “Healthy food drop-out, go back to Wal-mart…” Don’t be scurred! A wondrous world awaits you! (But don’t go on Saturdays. They’ll eat ya alive.)

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