Some Grace Would Be Amazing

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18 thoughts on “Some Grace Would Be Amazing

  1. Carly, my sweet Sisterwife, if I could, I would sweep you up into an absolutely MASSIVEHUGEHUG and try to make it all go away and be better. But I can’t do that. (which sucks) but if you’ll bear with me, I want to *try* to address each of your points with some (own-brand and MY view only) Perspectacles.

    Firstly – I love that you’re writing on paper, with a pen, and not just that, but meaningful paper and pen. It works. It makes a difference. The ache in your hand is right – it’s been too long. You are a writer and this is what you DO. You write. And you wrote. So good for you.

    With regard to church – it’s really, truly OKAY not to go. I haven’t been most of summer. And it’s not that they’re not nice people or whatever, but actually, the things which make our problems OURS and unique in their sharp corners and agonies is that they’re OURS, and no amount of prayer or blessing (no matter how well intentioned) will improve the situations where we find ourselves in pain. And at worst they’re intrusive and another thing to suffer through, with the added nagging guilt that we SHOULD BE FEELING MORE CHARITABLE ABOUT IT! Yaknow, cos they’re good people and all. Nerts to that! In the nicest possible way. God’s with you wherever you are. He doesn’t need you to be in a building full of other people. He knows your heart and He knows you’re hurting and I am SURE would not want you to subject yourself to more pain for the sake of some principle of…what? Expectation? Obligation? You’re not obliged. It’s about choice. Choose self-nurture. You know what you need, and don’t fret about it.

    As to 27, that’s a tough one. I remember being very hung up on that number. I won’t bore you with it. And no matter if you’re 5 or 192, being apart from someone you love on a day that’s special to you is SAD. And that’s okay. Allow yourself the feeling. It’s an important thing to share with him and yes – you’ll suck it up and get on with the day, but it’s ALRIGHT to be upset that he won’t be there for it.

    In-laws are tricky. I’m sorry you have struggles with yours. That’s really difficult and it sounds as though they’ve behaved very unfairly towards you. What your husband and you do, and where you live, and what children you have, is YOUR decision (insomuch as any of those things are under your control) and they should at the very least try to be respectful of that. For them to be unsupportive sticks in my craw. You are a sweet, kind, generous, lovely person, and I wish you had people who adored you. But you ‘should’ do nothing, with regard to ‘being over it’. Again – those feelings are valid. Don’t undermine yourself. It’s a thing which, if it heals, will heal with time. Give it time, and in the meantime, enjoy your freedom from having your face rubbed in it so frequently.

    Starbucks is GREAT. Having a job is GREAT. Being able to earn and be productive and part of the economy and independent and useful and purposeful is GREAT. It’s not ‘just coffee’ and ‘just people’ – it’s a high-pressure, customer-facing job and it’s something you should absolutely take pride in. Your numb hands and tired feet and brain aching from remembering all the recipes and face aching from smiling and your mind wilting from having to be NICE TO PEOPLE ALL DAY…it’s exhausting. But you’re there and you’re doing it, and doing it well (from what I’ve gleaned). So be happy about the role you play. As for second-guessing the future, no-one can tell what will be, and it’s rarely productive to dwell on the possibilities which *might* happen and worry about them. Easier said than done, I know, but this could equally be the making of your marriage, and fill everything with new opportunities. Or it might be something which works for now (the job, not the marriage), but you and your husband will need to talk together and decide together how your future’s going to look moving forward.

    Ditto the moving and the being without him. Of COURSE you worry. Tell him. Be open. Be transparent. Hard as it is, more talk, not less, is key. And back to the ‘manipulative’ thing…when my Husby moved down the country to be married to me, one of the things he was really bummed about was leaving a group of friends he’d made who did tabletop gaming. So I listened and prompted him to find a group in my city. So he did, and we still go together each week, and it helped the move. Is there something or someone he’s particularly worried about leaving behind? Can you find an equivalent? Might or might not be a useful thought – take it or leave it.

    And lastly, my sweet friend, there are always, always regrets. They are unavoidable. Because NO ONE GETS IT RIGHT. There is no ‘right way’ to go about losing your child. There’s no guidebook, and the only thing which anyone can be certain of is the guilt. The facts though, irrespective of ‘how you were’ in your professional capacity on that day – their baby arrived safely. That’s the end of all which needs to be said of your role. You did your job. It was a success. A painfully juxtaposed one against what you faced, and I’m so sad about it for you. But again, try not to beat yourself up about it. Try not to keep running over the day in your mind, telling yourself all the ways you failed or let them down or let yourself down. It was how it was, and no amount of ‘if only’ can change it. It’s such a painful game to play; that ‘if only’, but you can let it keep you captive, or you can release it into the ether and just accept that it was all completely explainable. Every. Last. Bit.

    There’s no way of knowing how you’ll respond next time (if there’s a next time) and you won’t know until it happens. But in the meantime you can plan a few strategies, if you WANT there to be a next time (and it’s okay to NOT want there to be, or to not know), for getting past bits which you can anticipate might be tricky. A few stock responses to enquiries or some ways you can build in spaces where you can walk away (if only mentally) and breathe for a bit.

    I don’t have all the answers, my dear, and if I did, I would give them to you. But I’m glad you wrote this out, and I hope it helped you to write it, if nothing else. Please excuse the ENORMOUS response. Your situation got to me and I’m afraid I rather went a bit wild on the replying.

    *HUGS*

    • You win all the comment love in the world, Lizzi.

      The past week has been so nice. Having Steve home, feeling more confident at work, being embraced by community here because of my honesty here.

      Steve is finding and “joining” lots of little groups of guys that love the same things as him – whether it’s cars or guitar playing or a favourite TV show. That makes me really happy. 🙂

      • GOOD! I’m sure that will help him to feel integrated into your new neighbourhood, and to start building community around the pair of you is brilliant.

        I’m glad you’ve had a nice week. That’s awesome and I’m pleased as punch to hear it.

        And….sorry again for the NOVEL! I’m glad you appreciated it! Thanks for being gracious about how HUGANTIC it was 🙂

  2. It’s really hard following a comment like Lizzi’s. FML.

    My heart aches for you for a million reasons. I HATE that the inlaws don’t adore you, because they should. And I wish your job wasn’t quite so exhausting but the truth is, those kinds of jobs are. And I’m still so sorry for your loss.

    I know exactly how it feels to need to be near someone who isn’t close by, and how lonely that can be. And you’re absolutely entitled to want a special day for your birthday. I hope hope hope you get to be with your husband.

    I don’t know what else to offer you except those cyber hugs that sometimes don’t feel like anything at all. Sometimes they do. I hope these do. *HUGS*

  3. Carly, my dear SW, you are so precious. Let me see if there’s anything I can offer here. For one, my husband has missed so many birthdays. He travels for work and has since we were married almost 12 years ago. I can’t keep count how many birthdays and anniversaries, valentine’s days, etc. that he’s missed. I’ve learned to appreciate myself, the solitude of spending time alone, and the freedom of having that time. I’m sorry if your husband has to miss that day, but just keep in mind, although you were welcomed to this world on that particular day for the first time, every single time the sun rises, the world welcomes you again. Celebrate when you can, and we will all be here to wish you lots of love and laughter on your very special day.

    As far as the job/move/in-laws, that has a way of working itself out. You can’t feel badly because your job is not near your family. The best thing that I ever did, the best thing for my relationship with my husband, was to move away from my family. We became our own family then, and it only made us stronger.

    Keep your chin up, sweet Carly. You’re doing a good thing here.

    The only other grace I really have to offer you is my name: Amanda Grace…that’s not very helpful though.

    • Amanda Grace – I love that! And I accept it!

      I’m sorry that you’ve been alone on so many special days. But you’re right – in the big scheme of things, every day together is special. And becoming a stronger family all on our own is definitely what we’re about right now. You have wisdom, young Amanda Grace!!

  4. Carly, I think everything has been covered here. I can’t possibly add anything to these intensely heartfelt words of wisdom. So read these comments again and pretend I wrote them :). (That should have made you smile.) I can tell you that, like Mandi, I have spent many birthdays and other significant occasions without my husband and it stinks. I make the best of it by doing something nice for myself, even it that something is peace, quiet, bad TV or a good book.

    I’m writing this the night before your birthday so can I will wish you a Happy, Happy Day. You are the sweetest of the sweet and brightest of the bright and I am sending you oodles of love for your birthday.

    Head up, young person! You’re gonna be okay.

  5. These are all such huge, big things. Not a single one should be discounted– not having the husband there on your birthday, weird in-law shite, all of that, is completely one bagillion percent worthy of whatever you feel about it. Don’t feel bad. And I should say more supportive things (but everyone else was so much better at it!) BUT I’ll just be a biatch and say that his parents can get over it because you know what? He’s not 5 either. Okay, punch me if I’m overstepping. But I want to be the friend who throws drinks in people’s faces and tells them to back the eff off before I cut them. I also wish I could do that to all the bad feelings and bad things that have happened. But I don’t know how to throw drinks at feelings in a way that doesn’t lead to a hangover.

    I hope things begin to look up soon. That you have good times with the husband. That you feel a tiny whisper of hope, just enough to know that there will be another side to all of this dark stuff.

  6. Carley, your feelings and worries just ARE – you don’t have to feel crazy for having them, or think you shouldn’t have them, or feel guilty about sharing them. Your feelings and worries don’t make you any less of a person, any less of a daughter-in-law, any less of an employee or any less of a wife. They make you human. I think Lizzi nailed it on the head when she said you needed to share this with your husband. He is your support and, while he may not always be physically present, he still can be there for you and reassure you that, as far as he is concerned, all is well.

  7. Pingback: This New Year | she's a butterfly, pretty as a crimson sky, nothing's ever gonna bring her down.

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